I don’t think that randomly picking 3 of my 12 favorite problems is the structure that I want for these daily writing sessions. I’m going to experiment with just reading and making connections with my 12FPs by scanning through them.
Today I’m starting to read Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy. I’d heard about it on Twitter years ago and am only now getting to it. But I’ve had some hard and exhausting parenting days recently and guilt over having those struggles which leads me down negative spirals, so it’s a good time to start this book. Strong connections to my FP “How can I be a mother that I am proud of while recognizing that I am many other things too?”
Dr. Becky discusses how conventional practices like time-outs, punishment, and ignoring are rooted in behaviorism, which focuses on observable behaviors rather than their underlying hidden root causes.
Behaviorism privileges shaping behavior above understanding behavior. It sees behavior as the whole picture rather than an expression of underlying unmet needs.
It felt good to read the next core part of her approach:
It turns out, switching our parenting mindset from “consequences” to “connection” does not have to mean ceding family control to our children. While I resist time-outs, punishments, consequences, and ignoring, there’s nothing about my parenting style that’s permissive or fragile.
I am very curious to see what insights Dr. Becky has because a big source of struggle with my toddler is how calmly validating her intent and rationally explaining why a behavior is not ok (like throwing sand) doesn’t work. I regularly ask her how we can come to a compromise, but this doesn’t work at this point because my daughter doesn’t understand how we can come to a compromise via conversation.
Plenty of parenting advice relies on perpetuating this assumption of badness, focusing on controlling kids rather than trusting them, sending them to their rooms instead of embracing them, labeling them as manipulative rather than in need.
I like the above reframing of maniuplative. Someone who manipulates might just have a need that they are afraid to express overtly, so they rely on indirect means to get their needs met.