Today I read a few articles. First was How I avoid being a bad parent by Rik van den Berge. I met Rik the first time I took Write of Passage and know that he applies the lens of coaching to thinking about so many aspects of his life. In this article he explores coaching principles relevant in some aspects of parenting:
There are many coaching principles that show up in this little playtime example. These are the five most important that I see:
- Positive regard: Unconditionally accepting, respecting, and believing someoneâs inherent capability. Seeing them as inherently valuable and worthy, regardless of their current state or actions. Positive regard is about maintaining an affirming and non-judgmental attitude, this encourages experimentation and creates a supportive environment.
- Belief in potential: Trusting someoneâs ability to grow, change, and succeed. Having the conviction that they have the inherent capacity and resources to develop and progress. This belief helps stimulate people to discover and harness their innate strengths and capabilities.
- Unconditional support: Offering encouragement without any conditions or expectations. This means being there for someone regardless of the outcomes, their performance, or their choices. Celebrating their efforts and progress (however small) without judgment, showing that you will stand by them through successes and setbacks alike.
- Respect for autonomy: Valuing someoneâs ability to make their own decisions and supporting their independence. Stepping out of the oh-so-seductive âexpert roleâ, and our natural âfixing reflexâ. This is especially important (and hard) if you (think you) know better.
- Empowerment: Encouraging someone to take ownership and make their own decisions. Not solving their problems or coming up with solutions for them. This signals as well that they are capable of doing the work (whereas the opposite signals that they canât).
The empowerment one resonated most today. When I ran into a momma friend at the playground last week, we talked about how she listened to a podcast that questioned âDo kids today know how to do things?â and by things the host meant âbeing in this worldââaka taking care of oneself, resolving conflict, dealing with uncertainty. As she talked to me about this, her two youngest kids were having a disagreement and approaching her with their complaints. She used an interesting take, which I watched in fascination: âYou two need to work this out because if it comes to me, Iâm just taking away 20 minutes of screen time from each of youâ, which I figured was an outcome they really didnât want. I wouldnât have thought of this as empowerment in the moment, but I like associating empowerment with what I saw her do. When I think of empowerment, I have tended to think of uplifting, the act of showing support in a belief in potential sort of way. (Like âI know you can do it. Itâs tricky, but I know you can.â) But I would like to transition my view of empowerment as encouraging productive struggles. To add on to what Rik saysâhelping others make their own decisions and owning their decisions. I think about this in particular with my daughter.
Iâd like to think more about differences in how I show up for my students and for my daughter. Iâm sure there are things that I only for one group that would be helpful for the other.