I think that when we care a lot (so much, too much?) about something we do, we might question whether we like doing it. It’s paradoxical.
I’m this way about teaching.
Yesterday, a conversation with colleagues about salaries and the reality that a statistician in academia has so many job options outside of academia prompted for me: Do I want to keep this job? It seems like the worst timing to ask this question after getting tenure and all in my personal life that came with that. But the question was there, and I considered it.
What hit me when I asked myself whether I wanted to keep my job was a combination of things. For the past month, I had been writing activities an doing general prep for my fall courses. I went into the summer planning to do just this, and with that plan came acceptance. I’m in the middle of transitioning the kind of scholarship that I do, and I’m in a waiting period now. I’m hoping to start working on data journalism, or at least helping journalists write data-driven stories. I’m hoping that a partnership with the MN Women’s Press will come to fruition, but as I wait, I’m working on course prep.
Course prep is fine—sometimes. But I’ve been feeling fatigued from it. I think the constancy of it and lack of variety and fun with other activities is part of it. I also know that fear of not doing a good job is part of it.
This fear is all too familiar, and I took it to the extreme in the early part of my career. But I’m experimenting with sitting with it now and pretending that my daughter is in my place and telling me about what she’s feeling. I would approach our conversation with gentle curiosity. Doing this exercise is helping me feel like re-engaging with my work this afternoon, despite feeling very far from that desire this morning. I’m also keeping in mind what my partner has said to me about the total fine-ness of being good enough. All of this is a reminder to approach this work that I do find valuable (but fear for that very reason) with calm, accepting, and “good enough” mindset. But that “good enough” mindset also reminds me that by limiting my perfectionism and seeking to be good enough, it is important to let my authenticity come through. How can I craft learning experiences that allow me to be who/how I want to be in the classroom? Excited, humble, curious.